Moving on

The story continues: 2nd part of Sam are you listening? reading highly recommended at:
http://www.gabrielaabalo.blogspot.com/2009/07/sam-are-you-listening.html

Marissa keeps forcing herself to act as she is peacefully sleeping. Her husband has been behaving very strange lately; he is suffering from insomnia and barely sleeps more than one or two hours per night. When asked, he always says: “It is nothing, I am just stressed with work and meeting month ends, that’s all. Do not make something out of nothing please!”

They have been living like this for almost a year, both of them pretending nothing is happening despite the contrary loud signs. Her husband lost weight, big black shadows cover his eyes and he is losing his hair. She loves him very much and is dying slowly for seeing him deteriorating day after day; the feeling of helplessness has overcome her. How to help, when one is not allowed to do so?

Marissa silently cries while remembering…. By accident one day she came across a love letter in his jacket and then learned that he had an affair. Reading the letter was a harrow, she couldn’t believe it, but it was as real as the paper she was holding on her hands. The lover (Carla) was imploring Sam not to leave her, since his decision to leave and putting their life on hold was for the wrong reasons. She also wrote that was tired of being lonely and begged him to please stay with her as the time they spent together was all she ever cared for. Carla ended the letter saying: “I’m totally committed to our love; I will never forget you and I’ll be waiting for you forever and ever…. no matter what I will never find another one like you”.

Marissa knows she has been a coward, the fear of losing him kept her pretending she did not know; but since then her life has been miserable. She knew that her husband’s principles always prevailed over his heart desires and therefore he will never leave her and the children. At the very beginning she was content with that, but then, as time passed and her husband started fading away the guilt hunted her like a ghost that never gives up.

Now their life is wretched and they are the only ones to be blamed. There are no logical excuses to keep the act on, as their unhappiness is obvious to everybody; even their children can’t pretend any longer not to notice a thing. Their relationship as a couple is very courteous, they do not fight or argue, but also never have a decent conversation… they just go on with life as zombies - walking dead.

She can’t put all the responsibility on her husband for the infidelity, as she is aware that things between them were not right from long before. Without realizing it, their life turned tedious and none of them did anything to change it, so he found adventure and excitement with a lover while she found it in their children. It is sad to accept that they are themselves when apart, because together they fade away. Now she is starting to think that maybe it is time to do something about it, perhaps finding out about Sam’s affair wasn’t bad after all, and maybe this was her chance to do things differently.

She is turning forty next month and is tired of being quiet and compliant, she wants to make her life count and stirring. She wants to be with a man that loves her to the bone instead of being with someone who doesn’t love her the way she deserves it. She knows that she is worth of love as anybody else on this universe, so it is time to break away and move on. She also recognizes that Sam deserves the same, to love and be loved.

Marissa loves her husband with all her heart and because of that she has decided to let him free. Tomorrow she will take Sam for dinner to confront him with their reality; she will talk about his affair, her reasons to be quiet about it, their mutual betrayal and their future.

She is aware that the love of her life can decide to walk away from her and go to Carla, but she is ready to take the risk, after all she loves him so deeply that his happiness and his misery is hers too. She can end up on her own and may never find love again or perhaps she will. Who knows and who cares? All that matters now is that she is ready to do what she feels right for the first time in a very long time….

© 2009 photo: Gabriela Abalo – Author

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