There are times in our life when victory is at our finger’s tips, ready for us to claim the prize, but then we freely choose not to be the winners. Those are the moments when we realize that winning isn’t everything in life if the prize to be paid implies tearing down someone else. Because when we do so, victory doesn’t taste the same and our heart cries while our ego celebrates.
The quandary lies in the fact that we tend to naturally turn every disagreement into a personal fight, where both parties battle with nails and teeth to prevail over. This approach triggers reactions instead of actions, because its ultimate goal is to conquer and defeat. In the aftermath of the combat the winner takes it all while the looser goes down on his knees, crashed and resentful. The harsh words spoken during the battle only leave crawling broken hearts on the battlefield of relationships. Mending the damage caused isn’t easy at all; even the winner has been wounded and his/her victory has a bitter taste that takes away every possible unresentful joy.
Choosing not to win even when victory is probable is not done out of compassion or foolishness but out of something way beyond the need to win. We must be brave as we need to shutdown the fear of not knowing what will unfold. We need to detach ourselves from the idea of loosing or winning and instead look at the bigger picture with an open heart. And last but not least we need a bit of craziness as it means going against what logic tell us to do. All this shall be done with the understanding that not winning is not loosing since both parties at the end are benefiting from this selfless action. Doing so brings an opportunity to experience the magic of unconditional love and its blessings when applied well.
When disagreements are handled with mutual respect and love, all parties involved blossom with positive changes. When the goal is to come to a common understanding there is no need to fight as the need to prevail is not there.
So, next time when you find yourself involved in a disagreement, ask yourself: “Am I fighting to reign and prove a point? What’s driving me, my heart or my ego?” Let you heart guide you and wear your challenger’s shoes, and then if you are in it to prevail and please your ego, do something out of the ordinary: agree to disagree and let it be.
Can you manage that?
The quandary lies in the fact that we tend to naturally turn every disagreement into a personal fight, where both parties battle with nails and teeth to prevail over. This approach triggers reactions instead of actions, because its ultimate goal is to conquer and defeat. In the aftermath of the combat the winner takes it all while the looser goes down on his knees, crashed and resentful. The harsh words spoken during the battle only leave crawling broken hearts on the battlefield of relationships. Mending the damage caused isn’t easy at all; even the winner has been wounded and his/her victory has a bitter taste that takes away every possible unresentful joy.
Choosing not to win even when victory is probable is not done out of compassion or foolishness but out of something way beyond the need to win. We must be brave as we need to shutdown the fear of not knowing what will unfold. We need to detach ourselves from the idea of loosing or winning and instead look at the bigger picture with an open heart. And last but not least we need a bit of craziness as it means going against what logic tell us to do. All this shall be done with the understanding that not winning is not loosing since both parties at the end are benefiting from this selfless action. Doing so brings an opportunity to experience the magic of unconditional love and its blessings when applied well.
When disagreements are handled with mutual respect and love, all parties involved blossom with positive changes. When the goal is to come to a common understanding there is no need to fight as the need to prevail is not there.
So, next time when you find yourself involved in a disagreement, ask yourself: “Am I fighting to reign and prove a point? What’s driving me, my heart or my ego?” Let you heart guide you and wear your challenger’s shoes, and then if you are in it to prevail and please your ego, do something out of the ordinary: agree to disagree and let it be.
Can you manage that?
© 2009 Gabriela Abalo – Author
14 comments:
Dear Gabi, competition is built into our monkey nature. We compete for resources, we compete for mates, and we also compete for the sheer joy of winning. However we can transcend that monkey nature and the urges of our egos to reach out in compassion and cooperation to build together instead of tear down. Thank you for a thought provoking post. mahalo.
Mahalo dear Tag!
As you well pointed out, competing is in our monkey nature and is up to us to overcome that inbuilt need to prevail over others so as to realize that we are more than that.
Once we have achieved that level of consciousness then we will definitely have a wonderful world!
loveNlight
Gabi
Gabi - You know, truthfully, I can't manage it right now. So I'm just keeping quiet and going home and screaming. My sisters are all concerned about my mother's money and her possessions and I don't understand it. She's not dead yet. One of my sisters started packing up the things she wanted and had them shipped to herself. I don't care about that. I don't want some stupid figurine, even if it is worth $700. I don't need to win. My ego isn't involved. I just need to be able to take care of my mother. I guess we have certain expectations about family and when they turn into someone we don't know it's shocking. How can you unconditionally love someone you don't even like?
Kass, thank you so much for sharing your tribulations.
Believe it or not, today a friend of my was telling me exactly the same thing, her grandma is still alive but her family is already splitting up her possessions. This is deeply affecting my friend and her relationship with the family.
To love unconditionally is one of the biggest challenges we face, as we have to leave our ego and expectations aside so as to be able to accept things as they are. We should not condition our love to others based on their behavior and our expectations– if they behave as we expect then we love them, but if they do something that we don’t approve then we don’t love them anymore.
We shall love every human being for what she/he freely chooses to be, whether we like it or not. Keep in mind that those that we least understand are the ones that teach us the most, as they are showing us the aspects we dislike and therefore giving us the chance to choose who we want to be.
We need to know evil in order to appreciate good, we need to taste selfishness, greediness and materialism to value their opposites. So, based on that understanding we should love all the different sides of people, as they are part of us – remember that we are one and all.
We don’t need to approve others behaviors, but we do need to respect them for who they are, then we can chose to continue our relationship with them or not. Parting apart doesn’t mean stop loving someone, all it means is that we have learnt from each other what we needed, so now we can move on with our lives.
I have parted ways with my closest family, because when I’m with them I become someone I don’t like, but I do still love them for who they are. I don’t expect them to change so I can be with them, as I understand that we are to follow different paths. I love them because they taught me to love myself despite others – through continuous emotional abuse they managed to put me down, convinced that I wasn’t worthy. But, today I’m where I’m because of me and because of their great teachings – maybe that was the only way for me to learn to love myself.
I can’t be with them, but I sent love and light to them every day.
So, getting back to your sisters, you don’t have to like what they do, but don’t judge them based on your values, because they think they are doing the right thing – understand that they are entitled to have their own principles, whether they are right or not. Love them for who they are – which doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine, let them know you disagree with what they are doing and give them a chance to make a choice, then you can make yours.
Be strong and let your heart guide you.
loveNlight
Gabi
Garb,
You very right Garb. We feel satisfied on the surface when we defeat someone in an arguement and we satisfy our ego. But what we must know is that we have ruined the other person completely and eventually created permanent hatred.
This is a good subject to all of us to learn to lose some fights.
Mulomba Hameja
Gabi - Thank you for this great reminder. I really do like the person I've become in caring for my mother. It will take awhile to feel loving toward my sisters, but it will come. I'm glad I took a big breath and just listened to them instead of exploding.
It takes wisdom to realise life is a bigger gift than the prize of a battle!
Isaac
@Hameja,
As you well said, winning isn’t everything in life, we should be wise enough to know when it is the right time to retract so as to avoid unnecessary damages.
@Kass,
I’m glad to know you are looking at the positive side of things! You are a great person with an humongous heart!
@Isaac,
You said it all!
loveNlight to all
Gabi
"Life is hard with out people trying to win little battles at work or at home. If only we can easily forget things that make us loose or win"
Arzina
maybe because of all those little battles that we are always trying to win is that we find life hard. Life is much more that winning or loosing, so you are right, we should get beyond the idea of seeing everything as a fight.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
loveNlight
Gabi
Dear Gabi,
As hard as it is to shift from duality into non-duality, it is possible and I am seeing that more and more. If each one of us chooses simple opportunities to look at life with different glasses on, it will change. Your blog is helping make that shift.
Thanks,
Sherry
Dear Gab,
I went thru a horrible battle with some one recently and I ended up hearth broken crying and it eventually effected the entire family... she on the other hand felt like the winner and eventually even moved from her home letting the community know it was because of me... I regret going to her home that day… I got my self in a very difficult situacion but, in my hearth I was trying to make peace with this lady as it had been weeks that she stopped saying hello, I took the decision to stop by and see how she was doing and ask if there was anything I had done to mend what was broken between us... it turned in to a terrible one way discussion as I was so nervous and in shock that I did not even have a chance to react... after that I have been feeling terrible that I never defended my self and I have been seeing this women on my dreams my thougts and I even say her name by mistake to other people I want to get over this because I had nothing to do with this woman and I think she used me to get her ugly side out to light...
Yurs dearly,
TS
Thank you dear Sherry for such encouraging comment. You just said it, "Embracing who we are" is about that, giving the chance to each of us to look at things with different glasses and appreciate the differences, with the understanding that we are "one" and "all". It is about unconditional love and the realization of the self without auto-imposed boundaries.
loveNligth
Gabi
Dear TS,
Maybe what is bothering you is the fact that you did not have any closure. You wanted to understand what has happened and instead ended up being emotionally abused.
That kind of situation will of course have a strong psychological impact on any person.
You may be right, she probably needed someone to help her to let go of all the rage and discontent hunting her, and you just happened to be there at exactly the right time for her. But, there are no accidents in life, everything happens for a reason, so try to see what was there for you - what you need to learn from that experience. Once you get your answer you will be able to move on.
Look at the bigger picture, beyond the emotional abuse and what the community may think about you. You have a great opportunity in your hands and the power to raise over the situation and stand once again proud of who you are. Don’t think who won or lost, it all depends on how you chose to look at the situation. You are a winner you can raise stronger and wiser from this experience.
You need to be able to move on and find closure, facing her face to face may not be a good idea, but instead you can write a letter to her, expressing your feelings and how the situation has affected you. When writing make sure that you do it with your heart and not with your ego, be open and honest, forgive her and wish her the best. Once the letter is written, keep it somewhere safe, till the day you are ready to break it and move on.
One day you will look at all this experience with gratitude and love.
Keep strong and let your heart guide you.
loveNlight
Gabi
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