The echo of her steps walking down the cold empty corridor resonates in her heart. She is defiantly looking up, portraying an image far away from what she is really feeling. After so many years she learned very well how to hide her emotions; only an attentive gaze into her eyes will be able to guess the troubled soul buried deep inside.
She reaches the treatment room and hesitates before knocking at the door, but then with a sudden decision she makes the call. The nurse that opens stares at her with a mix of concern and surprise while asking: “Are you on your own? She nods and walks into the room hardly controlling her emotions. She is then shown where to lie down and get ready for the procedure.
She knows this is the right thing to do and that there will not be any regrets later on. Loneliness has been her life companion. The abandonment she was continuously subjected to was covered up with expensive gifts, fancy trips around the world and anything else she wanted. However the only thing she really yearned for was out of reach. But then, life has provided her with a good substitute… sex!
In sex she found the gentle human touch, the desire and the communion of two bodies becoming one. The perfect alternative to any other relationship, where two souls reach each other just for a moment and then parting away without looking back. Freedom, lust, empathy and the sense of belonging…
She could never understand her parents’ rejection, their refusal to love her and their continue struggle to make her into what they wanted. Until the day they gave up and started focusing on the other siblings as they were not an aberration like her. She was sent abroad to study and was told to remain there for as long as she could, as they could not afford the shame of having to face their community and family. God has punished them with a homosexual daughter and nobody should know about it. Their family reputation has to be protected.
The doctor entering the room interrupts her tribulations, bringing her back to the present moment. He looks at her and coldly asks: “Have you thought about this carefully? Are you aware there is no turning back?
Becoming pregnant was something she could never imagine it will happen to her. She only tried sex with a man once, a sad attempt to fit into what was considered “normal”. But she totally despised it and became fully aware that was not who she was and that she was betraying and destroying herself.
How could she mother a child when she wasn’t capable of loving herself? As her mother said more than once: “God despises you, you must repent… you are cursed!” She will not subject an innocent to her inferno. How could she protect another human being when she is not able to protect herself?
With an unusual strength for a tender girl of her age, she answers: “Yes, I am!”
© 2009 Gabriela Abalo – Author
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