Help and its implications

More often than not when helping someone we do set expectations and then end up feeling betrayed and disappointed as the end result did not work as anticipated by us. But in spite of the disillusionment we keep aiding with the hope that one day that person will turn into the one we have pictured. Unconsciously we take ownership of his/her situation with the conviction that we know better, leaving him/her with very little room to take responsibility and make his/her own choices. Therefore we end up engaging in a codependent relationship, a mixture of hate and love, gratitude and ungratefulness, expectations and disappointments, breakups and starting over, forgiveness and resentment. Both parties are unhappy: the one asking for help feels suffocated by the conditional aid while the one helping feels used and unappreciated.
As time passes by the one being helped starts to demand for the aid, considering it his/her right to be helped, given that we have been always there to rescue him/her from the fire. But then, the sense of obligation and umbrage has already taken its toll on the helping hand, resulting on a strong unwillingness to keep supporting the unthankful one. It is then when people start to question the implications of helping others.

Helping does not necessary entails taking responsibility for others problems and solving them on their behalf, as we are then taking away their chance to experience and to grow from the situation they are facing. Helping is about being there to assist when needed to, but with no conditions and or expectations. It is not about wanting to control the person we are assisting by gaining power over him/her and therefore crossing the line by starting to organize his/her life as per our will. Doing so does takes away his/her freedom to be “Who she/he wants to be” imposing on her/his the burden of becoming “who we want him/her to be”. The end result: a very unhealthy relationship where dissatisfaction is what prevails in all the parties involved.

When the time to stop “lending a hand” arrives we are usually overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt and remorse, since this goes against what is believed to be the right thing to do. The sense of obligation is such that it takes a huge effort to say NO so as to let the other person take responsibility of her/his doings. Despite these contradictory feelings, we do need to face the reality and accept the fact that sometimes the best way to help is by not helping.
Helping someone by not helping does not imply ignoring the other person’s problem and letting him/her break into pieces while we go on with our own business. But sometimes we do need to accept that the best help we can offer to a specific person or situation is by letting things follow their course of action. We do need to admit that sometimes the person asking for help does need to hit the ground so as to be able to stand on their own, as this is what she/he really needs to experienced so as to be able to take control of his/her life.

We shall keep helping each other as much as we can, but we need to do so while remembering that they are not us and we are not them. We also need to keep in mind that people do need to take responsibilities for their actions, and that there are not victims or victimizers. Not helping as expected does not make as victimizers, and not getting what we want does not make us victims.

© 2009 Gabriela Abalo – Author

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This week's Theme Thursday is "help" - I'm contributing with this old post (old but still very much current ;) )