Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Why doesn’t she love me?




“Hi, I’m back!” she said looking at Annie’s face with relief. The lack of answer didn’t bother her at all, and without an invitation, she sat at the edge of the stone and then resumes the conversation.
“She kicked me out of the house again, this is the third time she’s done that” - she pauses and after taking a deep breath continues saying - “I don’t know what to do, I’m tired of fighting! I don’t know how long I will be able to stay strong…” the tone of her voice reveals the emotional distress she is going through.
A warm and tender breeze kisses her cheek and hair as if trying to ease her sorrows. The silence is only broken by the birds singing from a nearby cypress tree. Looking directly into Annie’s eyes, she asks - “Why does she hate me so much? Why can’t she love me the same way she loves my brothers? What did I do wrong?” - with anger she fights the tears trying to show up on her face, as crying is not permitted on a strong girl like her.
“Yesterday, despite the rain and the cold she locked me out of the house and probably got soundly asleep in a few minutes, with no concern for my well-being. I heard one of my brothers trying to plead with her, but then gave up as he was almost shown the way out too. After an hour of crying out and kicking the door with no results I headed to Tory’s house, she always offers me shelter. But you have to see her face, she can’t hide the compassion she feels for me….” - Her brown eyes can’t disguise the sadness apprehending her, which contradicts the hard expression of her face. Her eyes are the window to her soul while her face is a well learned masquerade to conceal her real feelings.
She is only fourteen but looks older than she really is, years of suffering and emotional abuses have made a dent in her. She is being considered a wild and aggressive child by her schoolmates and teachers, making it so difficult for her to have any friends. Loneliness is her only companion, but sometimes the aloneness becomes too heavy to abide, so she comes to see Annie and the others for companionship and conversation. They always listen and never charge or criticize her, but she misses some kind of advice or guidance from them, after all, they have lived longer and had more experience. She knows there is nothing she can do to halt their unbreakable silence, but she is consoled but the inner knowledge that they listen and care.
“Today, Tory told me that my mother can’t continue doing this to me, that she is breaking the law and that the authorities can take me away from her. She wants to report her, so my mother can start taking better care of me. I begged her not to do it, because I’m afraid I may be sent to an orphanage… You know, my mom keeps telling me she will do it and I believe her.” She pauses and takes a deep breath in, as if trying to grow bigger and stronger. She doesn’t want to start crying, if she does, then she may never be able to stop, so she keeps breathing deep until the urge to cry is fully controlled.
After a while she speaks again, “Tory felt sorry for me so she promised not to do it this time, but she will if my mother does it again. The problem is that I know I will be kicked out again; any mistake will be used by my mother as a pretext to fight me, she will not stop until I’m gone… She did the same to my older brother, she kicked him out of the house when he was just thirteen, and never allowed him to come back.
I have nowhere to go, if she kicks me out again I will have to sleep by the door, despite the weather conditions and the time I have to spend outside. That will be the only way to fight her back, she will have to take me in sooner or later, as she will not want the neighbors to tell my stepfather what she is doing to me…” she looks around and after a short silence she asks: “Annie, did your mother love you or was she like mine? Aren’t mothers supposed to care and tender for their children? Why doesn’t she love me? I really want to know…” – as expected she doesn’t get any answer, but that doesn’t bother her as she is feeling better. Being able to talk about her troubles really eases her sorrow.
She keeps looking at Annie’s face, as if searching for answers, then she says - “Ok, is getting late, I must start heading back to hell. Today my stepfather is getting back home, so my mother will pretend this never happened, instead she will complain about how much she had to do and how unhelpful and disobedient I am. After all, this is part of her master plan to get rid of me one day!” - Saying that, she slowly began to rise up from the stone that she was sitting on, she then bends so as to be able to reach Annie’s picture and kiss her goodbye. “Annie, do you think she will ever love me or care for me?”
She doesn’t wait for an answer, once again she breaths in deeply and slowly, filling herself with strength and willpower, the one she will need to face her mother’s rage. Then with determination she starts walking away from Annie’s grave and the ones around her, until she gets out of the cemetery.
………
Over twenty years have passed, and I still remember my afternoons at the local graveyard, the only place I used to feel at home. During that time I seriously contemplated the idea of joining my dead friends as an easy way to escape, but I guess my warrior spirit keep me from doing it.
I was told so many times and even read in many books that the people that harm us the most are the ones that teach us the most too. I believe that is true but sometimes it is still hard to digest, especially if the people who hurt you are your closest relatives.
From a physical level, I still feel the pain and the emotional abandonment, while the same question still bothers me sometimes: “Why doesn’t she love me?”
From a spiritual level I do appreciate the teachings that help me to become who I’m today, the challenge was rough but I had managed. Today I’m free and full of love, I have learnt to love myself just the way I am and to love the rest of the world the same way, just the way they are… including her!




© 2010 Gabriela Abalo

22 comments:

Tag said...

Gabi, such a beautiful, sad, tender story. There is a saying here that "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Maybe there is truth there, but it still hurts and damages us. I am so happy that you are here to bring that strength love and hope, you earned through your trials.

drnidhinvalsan said...

hi
this is what Danielle steel do..
anyway, i liked the work you did..
keep writing

standing on my head said...

ah, gabi, i've wondered how you came to know the things you know. you did it the way most of us get there-the hard way. i deeply understand the urge to escape. thank you for staying on the planet, sharing your Self with us.

Gabriela Abalo said...

Tag, we do have the same saying and I believe it is true, we do come out stronger but also bitter and hostiles. Then we are prisoners of our past and the people who hurt us, which deeply affects our emotional development.
The healing process is very painful but love heals everything.
Believing in love is difficult when you are born in an environment where loving or being loved is not permitted.
It takes a strong courage to open up to give and receive love, the fear to be hurt again is sometimes overwhelming, but I’m trying my best... so far so good!!


Thank you Tag for being there and for sharing your caring thoughts.


loveNlight
Gabi

Gabriela Abalo said...

Welcome to the blog Danielle and thank your for the encouragement. I will keep writing as doing it has become my connection with the Universe.

loveNlight
Gabi

Kass said...

Gabi - I hardly know what to say. I look at your profile picture and I see such tender beauty. Now I know it is because you have been through the refiner's fire. I know there is a reason I discovered blogging and all my wonderful friends. I don't think I would be able to go through watching my mother slowly die if I didn't feel the encouragement and typed-in love from the people here. Magically, they have managed to reach out through my computer and show me love and strength. You are a wonder. Thank you.

Gabriela Abalo said...

Standing,
My beginning was very tough, but thanks to it I’m who I’m today – could I have been where I’m today if not for it? Who knows, probably not, as for some of us maybe the only way to get it, is through the “hard way”.
I don’t know if the reason why I’m still on the planet today is because I’m a fighter or a coward who did not have the guts to end it the easy way… either way I’m very glad I still very much around.
Now, I’m ready to share my journey without resentment or feeling like a victim, but with understanding and love.

Thank you Standing for being part of my blogging world.

loveNlight
Gabi

Gabriela Abalo said...

Kass,
thank you so much for sharing your caring feelings.
I know you are going through a hard time and that sometimes you feel overwhelmed, keep strong that everything will work out well.
I'm sending all my love and light to you and your mom from my beloved Zambia.

You are an inspiration to me!

loveNlight
Gabi

Sherry Bakhtian said...

Dear Gabi,

The human spirit and our ability to rise above it all still amazes me. People who have been through hell have so much to teach us and sometimes simply by not being consumed by our negative and painful experiences we can shine the light for so many. Thanks for the reminder!

Love,
Sherry

Annie said...

i saw myself in this story.. thank you Gabi.. we are not alone..
Love and Gratitude
Annie

Gabriela Abalo said...

Sherry,
We do have the strength to overcome every challenge, all we need is to have faith and love.
The healing process is long, I spend so many years in denial, then came the realization and acceptance that I was in real pain. After that bitterness and feeling like a victim… finally understanding and contentment.
Now, love and the need to share it with everyone.

loveNlight
Gabi

Gabriela Abalo said...

Annie,
We are not alone, we aren’t the first neither the last to go through this kind of emotional hell… but we did survive.
Now it is time to share our journey so others can have faith and strength to overcome their own hells.

As Hubert Humphrey said: “Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left.”

Thank you Annie for sharing.

loveNlight
Gabi

standing on my head said...

gabi, i had to come back again. your courage in disclosing this part of your life astounds me. you have obviously traveled far (geographically and metaphorically) to reach peace.i am so glad you have found it. i am so glad you share it.
namaste

Once Known as The Badger said...

Why doesn't she love me? For no good reason. There's no answer to a question like that, because there is no answer. For no good reason. And that's all there is to say about it. It hurts.

Gabriela Abalo said...

Thank you Standing for coming back.
After traveling none stop for 15 years (so I could find myself) I feel that now I'm ready to go back to my beloved Uruguay and open up my heart so I can share my spiritual journey with others.
Disclosing my past (this is just the begging) is a very important step in my life, it is part of my journey.
I don't need to hide anymore, I don’t need to pretend I’m invulnerable (that nothing hurt me), now I’m free, I have reach peace and love.
My heart is once again open, you have to see the beautiful “urdhva dhanurasana” I’m able to do now, something that was almost in the line of “impossible” for me, even a few months ago.

Namaste dear Standing

loveNlight
Gabi

Gabriela Abalo said...

Badger,
It hurts indeed, every time I think I’m over it something happens and I’m reminded that is still painful.
I haven’t got an answer and maybe she doesn’t have one either. But I do try to understand the reasons she could have to be that way… I will write about it, it will be a nice healing exercise.

Thank you for your caring comment.

I enjoy your blog very much, your pictures are amazing.

loveNlight
Gabi

Anonymous said...

Gabriela

This is indeed is a sad story. I cant imagine that we can bring someone to the earth and start mistreating that person (whom you shared the umblical cord with. But we have seen these things happen. For us who are priviledged to be approached for help, we should not hesitate to bring these issues to light. Cleo

Kass said...

I'm back again too because I love reading the comments of your friends. We all share pain, but this connection we feel through the internet is quite a healing thing. I thank you for your part in it. I look forward to what you will write to help others on their journey.

Gabriela Abalo said...

@ CleoCleo,
People are different, there are things that can’t be explained, they just are. But we can really learn a lot from them. They teach us about forgiveness and unconditional love, I think that is where the main challenge is, not to allow rage and bitterness hunt us for the rest of our life.

loveNlight
Gabi

Gabriela Abalo said...

Dear Kass,
So nice to see you back.
I will keep sharing my journey with all my readers. Now I’m ready to do so.

loveNlight
Gabi

Kirk Jusko said...

Compelling. Glad you survived it.

Gabriela Abalo said...

Hi Kirk,

I'm glad too, life is beautifully great and I'm enjoying the ride!!
The past is part of who I am, although it still painful to remember it, I’m thankful for the teachings,.

loveNlight
Gabi