While I’m here!

When I’m gone, all that will be left behind will be memories, great, good and bad memories… but, just memories, kept and told by those remembering me.
The material world I fought so hard to build, upgrade and sustain will become an asset to be distributed among my relatives; some may go to charity while others may be sold to strangers. The minute I breathe my very last gulp of air, all the things I worry about will stop existing. The sorrows that keep me awake for several consecutive nights will vanish; my concerns on how the future will be will evaporate. The past that keeps hunting me down will fade away, my self-esteem issues will become nonsense, my insecurities and fears will dwindle as I become a collection of memories kept and told by others…

When I’m gone there will be no more opportunities waiting for me to take a risk, there will be no more chances to reinvent myself, there will be no time for regrets.
When I’m gone I will only be a tale being told every now and then. I will have no control over what will be remembered of me, or the way the anecdote is told. I can be remembered for how much or little I used to possess, the family and friends I left behind, how many languages and cultures I used to know, how short or tall I was. Some may probably remember my travels around the world and the great tales I used to tell. While others will chose to remember my attitude towards life and how much fun or not I used to be.
But, how much does all that really matter, if I will be gone and I will only be a memory in the mind of those who knew me?

When I’m gone I will only be a thought, a memory or a spark of light into someone life just for a while!
Should this bother me? Should I live my life pursuing materialism and power? Should I let the past spoil my life or the future distract me from living?
What is real and what is not?

Greed, supremacy, the past and the future are the demons that keep me away from who I really should be. They are the mirages that keep me unconscious and prisoner of an unreal world, in the belief that I can finally achieve immortality.

I want the freedom of the self back! I have to repossess what is really mine, I have to conquer captivity and grow to be adventurous, risk taker, tender, independent, rebel and crazy in love with life…

Then I come across the irony of it all, that despite my anger and anguish I’m the sole creator of the demons governing my life… I’m the one holding the key that unlocks my self-imposed imprisonment. I’m the one and only… yes I’m.

So... while I’m here I must do something, I should smash into pieces my own barriers, I must disregard the fears holding me back.
I have to stop behaving as if living is only breathing; I ought to stop living in such a limited way!

© 2010 Gabriela Abalo