The beginning of the end… an unspoken commotion of the self, that is holding, grasping and breathing deeply so as not to fall into desperation. A halfheartedly attempt to clutch myself to the well known paths I am used to walk… while feeling disappointed of my own fears.
Sweating, trembling, hesitating and doubting like a child that is facing the biggest test of her life. The uncontainable need to free myself of the auto-imposed chains that keep me caged and disgruntled.
So many plans and dreams to accomplish! So much stuff to disregard and let off!
It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy…
Sometimes, I want to cry out loud, so the whole world can listen to my apprehension in a desperate attempt to ask for help, to be recognized and then exempted from living a conventional life.
It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy…
To stop playing the game as we all know it
To break free and fly without restraint
To go after a fairy tale
To live life as if there is no tomorrow.
It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy…
I endeavor to embrace the fear that attempts to keep me safe, with the awareness that it is all part and parcel of who I am. I keep reminding myself that it is OK to be afraid, although that I shall not allow the trepidations to overshadow the will of the self.
I wish I could rehearse or rephrase or press rewind every now and then, but reality slaps me on the face, while telling me that there is no such thing as try and error.
Then I’m disturbed by the certainty of the “nothingness”: that there is nothing to lose as nothing is really mine. Nothing is permanent… everything is temporal and prone to change.
Nothing… nothing… nothing is truthfully what it seems to be, as everything is relatively apparent and conditional to something else.
It is simple, it is easy… all I have to do is to let go and just be, taking a step at a time, enjoying the process and freeing myself from the notion of perpetuity.
The beginning of the end… It is simple, it is easy… but it is also freaking intimidating!
Sweating, trembling, hesitating and doubting like a child that is facing the biggest test of her life. The uncontainable need to free myself of the auto-imposed chains that keep me caged and disgruntled.
So many plans and dreams to accomplish! So much stuff to disregard and let off!
It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy…
Sometimes, I want to cry out loud, so the whole world can listen to my apprehension in a desperate attempt to ask for help, to be recognized and then exempted from living a conventional life.
It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy…
To stop playing the game as we all know it
To break free and fly without restraint
To go after a fairy tale
To live life as if there is no tomorrow.
It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy…
I endeavor to embrace the fear that attempts to keep me safe, with the awareness that it is all part and parcel of who I am. I keep reminding myself that it is OK to be afraid, although that I shall not allow the trepidations to overshadow the will of the self.
I wish I could rehearse or rephrase or press rewind every now and then, but reality slaps me on the face, while telling me that there is no such thing as try and error.
Then I’m disturbed by the certainty of the “nothingness”: that there is nothing to lose as nothing is really mine. Nothing is permanent… everything is temporal and prone to change.
Nothing… nothing… nothing is truthfully what it seems to be, as everything is relatively apparent and conditional to something else.
It is simple, it is easy… all I have to do is to let go and just be, taking a step at a time, enjoying the process and freeing myself from the notion of perpetuity.
The beginning of the end… It is simple, it is easy… but it is also freaking intimidating!
© 2010 Gabriela Abalo
17 comments:
Are you talking about your move back to Uraguay? Is there something more going on?
What you are attempting sounds wonderful to me. I long to fly and be free. I'm trying to do it within the confines of staying here and taking care of my mother. At least my mind is free.
I envy your daring spirit.
Dear Kass,
I'm talking about many things at the same time – so many decisions and changes on my way…
As Napoleon Bonaparte said: "Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide"
…But once the decision is taken you must deal with the transition process and aftermath of it.
That is the process I’m going through and which I’m trying to describe.
loveNlight
Gabi
Change is never easy and you're right it is freaking intimidating but the famous words go "Carpe diem!" Seize the day! and take one step at a time.
And that is what I’m doing… catching change by its horns and going for the ride of my life!
Thanks for stopping by Bunda.
loveNlight
You will persevere through this period of trials Gabi. You are a survivor. Fear is a natural reaction to the unknown which you are facing now. But as you have done throughout your life you will win through.
My best wishes, My friend.
I’m looking forward to face the new challenges.
This is not the first nor the last time I’m going through a change like this, and so far I have never being disappointed with the final outcome, although the transition period is still freaking me out.
Thank you Tag for your vote of confidence and good wishes.
I’m like the girl on the comic I put on my post – ready to face anything even when the ground doesn’t seems safe!
loveNlight
Gabi
The hard part is just showing up. As they say 90% of life is. The important thing is to challenge ourselves. Like the guy in the kayak. One on one....I'd like to do that.
Thanks!
Hi Yvonne,
so true, like the guy in the kayak, one on one with life!
"There is no moment like the present. The man who will not execute his resolutions when they are fresh upon him can have no hope from them afterward: they will be dissipated, lost, and perish in the hurry and scurry of the world, or sunk in the slough of indolence." ~Maria Edgeworth
loveNlight
Gabi
ilya prigogine, winner of the nobel prize for chemistry in 1977, said that as system moves from a lesser to a greater degree of organization, it goes through a period of chaos.
welcome to chaos!
step forward, breathe, step forward, breathe...
So true my dear friend, to grow into something better, chaos must be faced, breathing in and out while moving one step at a time…
That is a thousand times more worthy than ending our life as Tagore once said: “I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument, while the song I came to sing remains unsung.”
Thank you standing.
loveNlight
Gabi
"listen to my apprehension in a desperate attempt to ask for help, to be recognized and then exempted from living a conventional life." I heard you Gabi...all the way over here. Woke from a sound sleep to a familiar turmoil whipping about on the air of my ceiling fan. But exemption is not the worlds to give. Seek not confirmation or denial from any source other than your true heart, spoken within the morris code of beats.
Love
annie
I’m hearing you Annie… exemption is not to be asked and/or given. We are the Captains of our life so only our heart determines the course of our actions.
Thank you for the reminder.
loveNlight
Gabi
Sounds like you have the right attitude, wishing you all the best through your transition(s)! Just remember it is ok to have bad days or moments. It is all part of the journey.
Love,
Sherry
If one truly aspires to LIVE a life, one soon discovers...It isn’t simple, it isn’t easy...
But the alternative holds no appeal at all.
Sherry,
The “bad” moments are the butter of life, without them we will be unable to grow and to appreciate. I welcome the blessings in disguise they bring into my life. Thanks for your good wishes.
Kirk,
Glad you like the post and thank you for joining the blog. It’s very much appreciated.
Jonas,
You said it… the alternative is not appealing at all.
"The purpose of life is a life of purpose.” ~Robert Byrne
loveNlight
Gabi
Me EN-CAN-TO!!!! Besos!!
Lole
Acabo de leer Transitions sé que es difícil, que los cambios siempre meten miedo pero siempre sostuve que Dios, la vida misma y nosotros nos damos las oportunidades sólo una vez y que es asi "tómala o déjala" capaz que es una de las decisiones más difíciles pero hay que confiar.
Muchos besos
Zahida
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